To: Kris Jenner

Re: I Am Kardashian, Hear Me Roar

If you watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians, you know Kris Jenner. She is wife of Bruce, mother to the famous sisters and de facto CEO of the entire Kardashian empire. Whether she’s managing Kim’s busy schedule of looking pretty, planning Khloe’s wedding in 10.5 seconds or rallying the clan around their next marketing adventure, she approaches each task as if she were a lioness protecting her brood from those who would seek to harm them or in any way decrease their money making potential. (Bruce’s approach to parenting is more in the style of a deer caught in the headlights). So it is with this strong protective instinct that Kris pounces on Scott Disick, otherwise known as daughter Kourtney’s baby daddy, in last Sunday’s season finale. Scott is the father to baby Mason, born two months ago.

If you missed the episode, USmagazine.com has a clip of the  Kris/Scott showdown. In the video, Scott apologizes to Kris for getting drunk at Kim’s birthday party, finally realizing that reality TV doesn’t mean that you can actually do something unscripted. He then pleads with mama bear not to hate him and accuses her of loving Reggie Bush and Lamar Odom more. Kris argues that she has a different “dynamic” with Kim and Khloe’s men which is another way of saying ‘they have actual jobs’. Kris then gets emotional after a silent cue from her producers to ‘punch things up’ and declares: “There’s no place for Scott in our family any more,” adding, rather ominously: “It’s just too dangerous.” And by dangerous we can only assume she means he is bringing down the ratings because his deadbeat dad storyline is so 2009.

Certainly, the clip shows Kris at her most dramatic (which is quite an achievement) but in the community of reality TV mothers, she is a standout and the closest thing the genre has to responsible parenting. Consider this: She has the ambition of a Dina Lohan without the desperation, the aggressiveness of a Sharon Osbourne without the low class and the control of a Kate Gosselin without the predatory greed. All those qualities equal success in the harsh world of the pseudo-celebrity mother/manager who must balance the desire for bling with a sense of parental responsibility. Kris may occasionally fall victim to the temptations of fame, but she realizes that there’s no free lunch. It’s a lesson she has successfully taught her daughters. Kim might complain that being paid to host her own birthday party is “work” but she does demonstrate a work ethic.

While you’ll have to wait until next season to find out if Bruce’s–how did I go from iconic athlete to this?–expression ever goes away, one thing is guaranteed: In the sad world of reality TV parents, Kris Jenner will continue to set the bar, no matter how low that bar might be.

Oh, and casting calls for the ‘new Scott’ should be going out any day now.

To: Tiger Woods, Part II

Re: Just Say No

On a break from therapy or possibly fresh from a trip on his yacht with mistress number 87, Tiger Woods will make a carefully orchestrated public apology today after three months in hiding. Words like ‘disappointment’ and ‘hurt’ are sure to be thrown around along with the news that he now knows how to delete text messages. As a newly initiated member into the “I’ve been caught,” I mean, the “I’m really sorry club,” Tiger joins fellow sportsman Kobe Bryant and politicians Mark Sanford and John Edwards.

If you are normal, this news is probably interesting in the same way you might be interested in the box of freshly baked donuts your co-worker brought to the office. If you think that Tiger has hurt you deeply despite not being his friend, wife or mother, then this news is either a welcome relief or too little too late. If you’re Boston Herald sports columnist Ron Borges, the news is nothing short of a personal affront to your sense of decency. Here’s an excerpt:

For years Woods’ fans and the media thought he was the most driven player in the world. He was on the practice range while others slept. He was in the gym while his opponents had the covers up by their chins. He was driven to win, they thought.

Turns out cowering Tiger, not sleeping dragon actually was driven by the desire to deaden something he could run away from with golf and sex but that kept sneaking up on him whenever he tried to lay down his head.

Maybe Ron is actually a psychiatrist who writes about sports on the side?

Ron ends the piece by spitting on the page (just a guess) and this final smack down:

Tiger must somehow learn that without golf he’s a college dropout with a bad marriage and a big bank account about to be halved.

Tiger Woods still doesn’t get that, but he will. My guess is that revelation won’t come until something else goes wrong. Until then, he can always announce an endorsement deal with Ambien.

Ouch. No longer on Team Tiger, Ron? And by the way, what else could possibly go wrong? Putting aside the slightly crazy tone these remarks suggest, why exactly should Woods publicly apologize? Will that make everyone feel better? Clearly, it won’t make Ron happy so what’s the point? Unlike the mea culpas of his political counterparts, Woods’ statement is an unnecessary exercise in public shaming. Sanford and Edwards needed to make statements because they represent a constituency of people to whom they broke an implied promise.  Tiger may have represented the sport of golf but he didn’t promise to be a good husband or a good sleeper for that matter.

To: John Mayer

Re: Please. Stop. Talking.

Musician John Mayer is the Playboy Interview for March. I was about to write: “In a candid interview, Mayer discusses his relationship with Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson” (among many other things) but that would be stating the obvious. Every time Mayer speaks, he’s candid. Strike that. He’s more than candid. He’s the King of TMI. In the interview, Mayer rambles on about his love of masturbation and porn, gives a vivid description of his attempt to “out-gay” gossip writer Perez Hilton and talks about having a racist penis. Note on that last point: You just have to read it.

In the Q&A, Mayer equates sex with Simpson to an addiction to crack cocaine. In other words, it was bad for him but oh so good in its badness. Alternatively, he calls his time with Aniston “a deep relationship” and says that they have  “a regard for each other’s feelings that is pretty intense.”

Since this is the Playboy Interview, Mayer’s sexual admissions are not shocking, surprising or inappropriate. They are expected. What’s less expected however, is the  reaction his references to Aniston and Simpson have generated online. In this post from popular blog Pop Eater, the writer uses Mayer’s post-break-up confessional as a platform to compare Jessica and Jennifer. Here’s the argument: Because Mayer had a not so intense regard for Simpson he can freely discuss their “sexual napalm” whereas his bond with Aniston prevents him from talking about her with anything but respect and almost brotherly goodwill. The post also quotes a celebrity columnist and a psychologist who agree that for John, Jennifer is classy. Jessica on the other hand, not so much. The argument continues by suggesting that if Jessica stops over-using her Twitter account, perhaps she wouldn’t be so exposed to a public discussion of her prowess in the bedroom.

So it’s really all Simpson’s fault. Except that it’s not because John Mayer is an idiot who likes to hear himself talk. That’s not to say that he shouldn’t be able to freely discuss any subject he chooses. He should. Whether we should use his nonsense as a way to establish shallow representations of women is another issue entirely.

To:The Publishing Industry

Re: Nene’s Book is Not Your Fault

In a recent issue of OK! magazine, Jill Zarin was quoted in an article about Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren. As the bold red headline declared, the article was about Elin “Staying Strong For The Kids.” To this, Zarin added: “Regardless of what Elin chooses, the important thing is that she stays strong for herself and for her children.”

Apparently, Zarin’s qualifications to offer this insightful expert advice are that she is 1) a mother and 2) one of the housewives on the Bravo reality show The Real Housewives of New York City. Zarin is also the author of the book: Secrets of a Jewish Mother: Real Advice, Real Stories, Real Love which she co-wrote with her mother and sister.

A few pages over, the magazine features “Kim’s Holiday Getaway Guide” which is brought to you by reality mainstay and Team OK!’S Kim Kardashian. In a six page spread, Kim offers a paragraph on St. Bart’s, Aspen and Paris, complete with helpful pictures of items to pack for each holiday experience. Apparently, Kim’s qualifications to be an expert on these destinations are that she has 1)traveled to them and 2) happens to have a picture of herself in a bikini, a winter coat and a chic white dress.

Zarin and Kardashian are just two examples of reality television participants who have not only transformed themselves into quotable experts but (in Zarin’s case), have also become authors. Here are a few others:

From Survivor:

Reaching back to old school Survivor: Borneo, there’s Richard Hatch with 101 Survival Secrets: How to Make $1,000,000, Lose 100 Pounds and Just Plain Live Happy. Kind of begs the question of what survival secrets he learned during his prison stay for tax evasion.

Tina Wesson, a contestant on Survivor The Australian Outback, turned to clever wordplay with her contribution: Out Live, Out Laugh, Out Love.

Rupert Boneham (Survivor: Pearl Islands) kept it simple with Rupert: Just Being Me.

Rudy Boesch (Survivor: Borneo) thought we might like to hear more with: The Book of Rudy: The Wit and Wisdom of Rudy Boesch.

The Bachelor gave us:

-What a Difference a Year Makes by Bob Gurney. Bachelor Bob shares his thoughts on how to endure the unexpected

and

-Nobody’s Perfect: What to Do When You’ve Fallen For a Jerk But You Want to Make it Work by The Bachelor Season 2 winner Helene Eksterowicz and fellow contestant Gwen Gioia. Hmm…What to do? Leave him? Just a guess.

Not to be outdone, other Real Housewives made their contributions with:

Danielle Staub (New Jersey): The Naked Truth.

Countess LuAnn de Lesseps (New York): Class with the Countess: How to Live with Elegance and Flair.

Nene Leakes (Atlanta): Never Make the Same Mistake Twice: Lessons on Love and Life Learned the Hard Way.

Alex McCord (New York): Little Kids, Big City: Tales from a Real Housewife in New York City, With Lessons on Life and Love for Your Own Concrete Jungle.

Bethenny Frankel (New York): The Skinnygirl: Rules For Getting and Staying Naturally Thin and The Skinnygirl Dish: Easy Recipes for Your Naturally Thin Life. Her advice? “Embrace thin thoughts.”

Reading this  list, you might think the publishing industry has given one too many interns a chance at sub-titling a book. More importantly, you might think the book trade has decided that reality TV stars = expert life coaches. Well, not really. The publishing industry has actually decided to give up on quality literary contributions in favor of name recognition. People will buy a book on life’s ups and downs by Bachelor Bob simply because they saw and perhaps liked him on TV. The market exists because there is demand.

So until the public stops being interested in the comments of say,  a ‘real’ housewife who has nothing more insightful to tell us than an actual housewife without a Bravo contract, the publishing deals will continue.  Instead of mourning the loss of thoughtful and provocative non-fiction writing, we should question why we give authoritative status to people simply because they are on TV. If we don’t, it’s only a matter of time before Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation’s” informative guide to getting killer abs and picking up women hits a bookstore near you.

The publishing powerhouses of The Real Housewives of New York City:

To: John Terry

Re: Tiger Woods Version 2.0

Football fans (the round ball kind) and much of the Queen’s realm are currently debating John Terry’s fate. If soccer is not your thing, here’s a quick re-cap of events. John Terry plays for English Premiere League team Chelsea and is the England captain. He cheated on his wife with the fiancee of his former Chelsea teammate Wayne Bridge, who is also on the national team. Allegedly, Terry asked for time off to assist Bridge’s fiancee with terminating a pregnancy. As a result, Bridge is now saying he might not play for the national team. For fans of England and the World Cup, this is a crisis of epic proportions. For fans of popular culture, this is a chance to witness the sporting world’s version of As The World Turns. More importantly, it’s an opportunity to continue the interesting debate on sports stars as role models–with a twist.

Like Tiger Woods,  Terry is being judged on his suspect morality. Calls for his termination as England captain are growing louder each day. However, unlike Tiger Woods, Terry is part of a national team and as captain of that team represents an entire country. As a role model, Terry is a disgrace. As a footballer, Terry is a star. Herein lies the problem.

If Terry’s behavior has dishonored all of England does this mean that his winning football skills should be disregarded in favor of his not so winning way with the ladies? On the one hand, a winner is a winner. On the other, England doesn’t  want to be cast in a starring role on The Bold and The Beautiful–Football Edition.

In Terry’s case (unlike Tiger’s), the nation actually deserves a voice in his future. While the betrayal felt by Woods’ fans was misplaced, the disappointment felt by Terry’s fans is not. The World Cup is an exercise in nation building and Terry’s behavior has cast a dark shadow over his countrymen. He has caused a distraction that could potentially stop his team from successfully focusing on football. Whether this means that England won’t perform well at the World Cup depends upon how easily the team can forget that their captain has betrayed one of their own. Whether England supporters can accept Terry as the face of their country depends upon how much they value winning.

To: Hollywood

Re: Globes and SAG’s and Oscars, Oh My

It’s award season again–the time of year when Hollywood congratulates itself on a job well done and viewers are expected to join in the celebration. Film and TV award shows are unique because no other industry demands such a collective cultural moment. Lawyers don’t hand out trophies for ‘best closing argument of the year’ and if they did, they wouldn’t expect a camera and an audience.

Hollywood however, demands our attention as they direct us toward their “quality” products but our role in this performance is small. If we’ve watched the television show or film represented, we share in the act of viewing but we don’t share in the act of judging. The Golden Globes are decided by a vague group of foreign press. The SAG Awards are actors deciding amongst themselves and Oscars are given out by an academy of industry voters. The ceremonies themselves are, as one critic noted, like crashing someone else’s family reunion. There are a few in-jokes and some people share personal memories that mean nothing to anyone else.

And let’s not forget the enthusiastic E! reporters who breathlessly man the red carpet asking the hard hitting questions–namely, what fashion designer the actors are wearing and how many calories they consumed before the big day. Once the action moves inside, we try to find the humor in hosts who recycle jokes about plastic surgery, patiently wait as the winning nominee slowly meanders their way to the stage and resist the urge to turn the channel as they thank people we’ve never heard of and/or give praise to the Lord. The point is, from the red carpet banter to the expected rise in exposure for the winners to the post ceremony deconstruction of dress choices, we are instructed on what to think and how to feel.

So what’s in it for us? According to one commentator, it’s good feelings–a conclusion they came to after deciding that a few brightly colored dresses seen at the Golden Globes were meant to lift our mood and momentarily take our thoughts away from the situation in Haiti. (Okay, so Sandra Bullock’s purple gown was cheerful but Mariah Carey’s plunging neckline was just distracting). Then again, maybe what’s in it for us is a yearly confirmation that there’s a conspiracy against Leonardo DiCaprio. Or perhaps it’s a chance to float the theory that George Clooney always has a new friend in time for award season.

Whatever you take from this year’s celebration of Hollywood, remember that in the end award season is a calculated marketing exercise that has nothing to do with you unless:

a) You actually see a film simply because it won an award–in which case you could be a zombie robot.

Or,

b) You are James Cameron–in which case, it is all about you.

The cast of Avatar:

Mariah Carey doing her part to distract us from the world’s troubles:

To: Heidi Montag

Re: Buy 10, Get 1 Free

Heidi Montag, 23, formerly of MTV reality show The Hills, is on the January 15th  cover of People magazine. Drawing a blank? Let me get you up to speed. Heidi, in the spirit of Paris Hilton before her, is known for being um…known. After her reality TV career stalled, she decided to be a recording artist and independently released an album that she felt would make “pop history.” She’s married to  Spencer Pratt, also formerly of The Hills. (And they didn’t even have to go through countless rose ceremonies to find each other!). Together, they were part of the cast of I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!. They lasted four days before they quit but then realized that not being in front of a camera meant that they didn’t exist so they rejoined the show only to leave again when Heidi became ill. Not to worry. They bounced back by writing a book called How To Be Famous.

And then there’s the 10 plastic surgery procedures she had done in one day–the reason for the People article and the only way she could bump Kate Gosselin and/or the Obamas off the cover.

As a celebrity, Heidi is a bit of a dud. As the new poster girl for plastic surgery, Heidi is a cash cow (at least for her doctor). She tells People that she is “beyond obsessed” and declares that she is on a journey to become “the best me” or to put it another way, completely unrecognizable. Here is a before and after shot.

In other, related news, Heidi’s neighbor called police on January 13th to report a kidnapping attempt at Heidi and Spencer’s home. In an effort to prevent photographers from capturing her post-surgery look before her People cover debuted, Heidi had covered her face with a scarf as she hurried into her house, causing the concerned neighbor to jump to the wrong conclusions. Helpfully, Heidi cleared everything up by releasing a statement saying that she merely had her “pink Hermes scarf” over her. A simple case of name dropping? Or a pitch to Hermes to appear in their next ad campaign? You be the judge.

Sly marketing attempts aside, Heidi’s search for perfection has lead to her greatest role yet and one that will not be diminished by getting older or lacking talent. In fact, getting older is essential to her success. The possibilities are endless. The classic face lift is guaranteed, not to mention the cutting edge procedures that have yet to be invented. She can last for years. Heidi, please hurry and parlay this into an appearance on Oprah. She’s sure to book you for an intervention or at least a stern admonishment for sending the wrong message to young women. If you don’t, it will be a slap in the face to every publicity hungry D-Lister out there!

To: Simon Cowell

Re: Thanks For The Memories

Simon Cowell has announced that this season will be his last on American Idol. He is leaving the show to spearhead the US production of The X-Factor, a UK show that is basically American Idol minus the age restrictions and stylists.  Since the news, commentators and bloggers have hotly debated the impact his departure will have on the popularity of the show. While some rejoice, others declare the end is nigh. Whatever the outcome on next season’s ratings, Cowell has made some significant contributions to both the show and popular culture. His brash, outspoken and honest assessment of the Idol contestants is a refreshing contrast to former judge Paula Abdul’s crazy mommy role and Randy Jackson’s weekly celebration of catchphrases. New judge Kara DioGuardi’s attempts at caustic critique are just a pale imitation. Audiences know the real thing, even if they hate it.

Like Idol itself, Cowell became a brand and in doing so he revealed to American audiences that British men are not all hapless fops (Are you listening Hugh Grant?)  or characters out of a Guy Ritchie film . More than that, Cowell’s unsympathetic approach to critique reflects the harsh realities of the record business and prepares Idol hopefuls for a future removed from the safety of Ryan Seacrest’s hand-holding. In the real world, even Seacrest knows that trying your best won’t land you a spot on his radio show. Cowell is more than a stern father. He is a stern, wise one. He takes audiences behind the curtain of the manufactured world of popular music, even as he helps to create it. In an age of ‘scripted reality’, he provides a welcome glimpse of the real.

To: Brit Hume

Re: Oh Ye Of Little Faith

Last week, on Fox News Sunday, Brit Hume was asked as part of a round table discussion to predict the biggest sports story of 2010. Tiger Woods’ recovery, to no one’s surprise, was the consensus. To everyone’s surprise, Hume suggested that Tiger’s road to public forgiveness should be paved in the Christian faith. Here’s what he said:

“Tiger Woods will recover as a golfer. Whether he can recover as a person I think is a very open question, and it’s a tragic situation for him. I think he’s lost his family, it’s not clear to me if he’ll be able to have a relationship with his children, but the Tiger Woods that emerges once the news value dies out of this scandal — the extent to which he can recover — seems to me to depend on his faith. He’s said to be a Buddhist; I don’t think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith. So my message to Tiger would be, ‘Tiger, turn to the Christian faith and you can make a total recovery and be a great example to the world.’”

While such righteous sentiments are not necessarily out of place on Fox News Channel, the internet guarantees that they reach a far wider audience who might find Hume’s spontaneous channeling of a preacher somewhat perplexing. They might also find it completely insulting to journalistic integrity, Buddhists and the Christian faith which is not, no matter how many politicians wish it so, actually a magic wand that erases past misdeeds.

So my message to Brit would be:  “Brit, turn back to Journalism 101 and you can make a recovery and be a good example to reporters who may suddenly forget that they are not ordained and speaking from a pulpit. The extent to which you will recover depends on how many people actually remember that you were once a respected political news anchor.”

Brit with wife Kim:

To: Reality Television

Re: Forget the Haters

For many, the start of a new year means resolving to kick bad habits, to reconnect, to achieve. For those who care about popular culture, the start of a new year means the chance to complain about the Oscar nominees, breathlessly await the return of American Idol and chat about the hits and misses of the past 12 months. This year, reality TV seems to be the target of many critics who not only declare it a miss but accuse it of nothing less than the moral decay of western civilization. Mary McNamara, writing for The Los Angeles Times online, declares that reality television embraces the “utterly mundane” in a way that is less a transcendental celebration and more about an “ordinary life lived petulantly.” She argues that the point of Jon and Kate and others like them is “not illumination but reassurance” that mediocrity and banality are not really that bad after all. Put another way, if Jon and Kate can achieve stardom by doing nothing more than badly raising eight kids, maybe I can pretend my kid is trapped in a balloon or crash a White House party dressed in my best sari and be famous too.

Columnist Jonah Goldberg takes it to a social science level and suggests that a concept termed “ecumenical niceness” has created a moral vacuum in which reality show culture has “thrived.” The idea behind ecumenical niceness is that harsh judgments are not allowed to be made about the underclass or people with underclass values. For example,  it’s not cool to make fun of anyone who happens to be single and pregnant  so the result is that unmarried birth becomes “a happy lifestyle choice.” Or if you know what ‘the shore’ is, it’s not okay to criticize anyone who may refer to themselves as “the Situation” while lifting their shirt to show off their six-pack abs. (For a primer, see MTV’s Jersey Shore).

Here’s where McNamara and Goldberg get it wrong. The guilty pleasure of reality television isn’t about the reassurance that your boring life is okay and it’s not about political correctness gone awry. It’s about the comforting notion that your life, no matter how boring, is still nowhere near as messed-up as say, the gossips of the not really real housewives of big city USA. Reality TV is not the great equalizer. It’s elitism made easy. Making fun of its participants is its core appeal. Maybe you’re not the world’s best parent but you’re way better than those people that Super Nanny has to pay a visit to. Ate a little too much over the holidays? Relax–at least you don’t have to weigh yourself in public and see the numbers projected big enough to be viewed from Mars. You might be a loser but you’re not the biggest one.

Reality television works because it allows us to believe that “we” are not “them” and in this we are not only reassured but relieved.

The latest members of the reality TV family. The cast of Jersey Shore: